For most of my life I'd been looking for that Final Breakthrough. You know, the one that people write about in books or talk about with TV show hosts in interviews. It goes something like “I used to be broke, homeless, on drugs, my wife left me, my dog left me, I had NOTHING...and NOW life is perfect and wonderful and my dreams all came true. I wrote a book about it and taught a seminar so you can do it too.”
I bought that book. I took the damn seminar. I said the affirmations and did the meditations. But something was missing, I still wasn't living my dream life. I wanted the earth-shattering epiphany moment that would CHANGE EVERYTHING. I wanted to write MY success story. So I did.
This is the story of MY SUCCESS:
I was raised in an abusive home where I rarely felt loved or safe or seen. I learned to make myself invisible. I learned that I was worthless. I learned not to talk about my dreams so I wouldn’t be laughed at and ridiculed. I learned I was never, never good enough no matter what I did. No matter that I was an incredibly bright, sensitive and gifted child, who at the age of eight read 300 page novels while other kids my age were reading Judy Blume books if they even read at all. No one noticed this. Not even the teachers who read my book reports. I have been told I’m crazy countless times because I have a level of awareness, aka psychic and empathic abilities, that scared people. I didn’t know why I was so strange, only that it seemed to be very wrong and I was very bad. As I got older, I went on in life believing in my wrongness and worthlessness. I kept myself small and invisible which seemed easier and safer than being worthless, ugly, crazy and unlovable out in the world for everyone to see. I struggled just to survive, working long hours for not much money. My relationships were unfulfilling, codependent and/or downright abusive. To me, love and abuse were the same thing. I still had big dreams deep down, but I kept them hidden there.
I grew older and more angry and resentful. The jobs became worse, the money became less, and the abuse became more. In my twenties I attempted suicide three times. After the third failed attempt, as I hugged the toilet, retching out all the pills I’d taken the night before, I promised myself that I’d never hurt myself like that again. I never did attempt suicide again, but the abuse continued. Abusive relationships, abusive jobs and mostly a horribly abusive inner world. To live inside my own mind was the scariest place of all and no amount of drinking or drugs eased the pain. There was no escape from my own thoughts. No one could help me, and most everyone around me seemed to just accept that living in pain is normal.
But I wanted more. Something inside me believed that those deep down, long held dreams were still alive, still possible. So when I couldn’t find the validation of possibility or love in the world, I began to seek it in myself. I looked for God. Not the God of my childhood, the punishing God who constantly judged me as a sinner who would always, no matter what, fall short of His Glory. I Hated that guy. I was looking for something greater. Something I felt inside, even as a child. I felt it when I sang at church. I felt, in those moments when I lifted my voice in joy, a transcendence, a knowing that I was loved and held by Something.
I found books written by people who seemed similar to me. They had abilities and a Knowing that we are all far more powerful than we think. They said we create our reality. I kept reading, I kept studying for years. I began to question my beliefs. I became more and more aware of the abusive way I talked to myself. I became more and more aware of the beliefs and limitations I had taken on from others, and began to understand that this had nothing to do with me. I started to believe in myself, to believe in my goodness, my worth. I picked up a pencil and paintbrush again, a childhood love long abandoned. I still struggled with unfulfilling jobs and relationships, but I continued to follow that spark of hope I felt. The hope that if I could create my reality, I could also create my dreams.
The abusive relationships continued throughout my thirties, but they were short-lived. I wouldn’t tolerate it anymore. The jobs improved and the money got a little better, but they were still not what I dreamed to be doing. At the age of forty, I took a huge leap of faith. My life had completely fallen apart. In the course of two months, my not so great short-lived relationship crashed and burned, my friendships all fell away, even my cat died suddenly. So I sold most of my things, left the apartment I’d felt stuck in for almost 10 years, took only what I could fit in my car and drove across the country to a little city I’d never even seen before. There I spent two years in the most intense self-reflection I’d ever gone through. I call that time my “ninja training for the soul”. It was terrifying, nightmarish at times and grueling, but it was also incredibly expansive and freeing.
Finally, at the age of forty-two, after years of learning and classes and seminars and programs and ninja f*ing training for the soul, Finally I made a CHOICE. No more unfulfilling, low paying day jobs for me. No more struggle and lack and self-doubt. No more self-abuse and abusive relationships. No more unworthy, no more uncertainty. I CHOSE to let it all go and step into the truth of who I am. I claimed my power. I claimed my beauty, inside and out. I claimed my birthright of joy and happiness and prosperity in all ways. I called forth my gifts. I poured myself wholeheartedly into my dreams and put myself unapologetically out into the world. I learned that I have something so valuable to offer that it's impossible to quantify.
Now my life looks more than ever like my dreams, and it's getting better all the time. I learned to play the guitar and now I'm a singer and songwriter. I created a website to sell my artwork. I've started coaching work with people. I've even started writing a book.
It did not happen in one breakthrough epiphany moment, but through Thousands of them in increments along the way, until the tipping point was reached. In that moment, I made the CHIOCE to believe in myself, and all that I was asking for HAD to come. Now I sit here telling MY success story, living proof that anything is possible.
You are greater than any fear or limitation. MAKE YOUR CHOICE. Go after your passions wholeheartedly. Believe in Yourself. LIVE YOUR DREAMS.